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Archive for Creepy

THE UNTAMED CHAPEL SCRATCH (HENCE, ‘PAMIC’)

Sooo, if you went to TMC (or any other institution where the student body met regularly) you might remember the oft mocked ‘Chapel Scratch’ which is when girls (usually) play with the hair of and/or rub the back/neck of the guy OR girl sitting next to them.
(role your eyes and make that ‘uugghh’ sound now)

Ok, I give room for ‘youthful ways’, but apparently when people do not abandon the ways of their youth, those ways compound…and then the rest of us get to feel all the more uncomfortable in church (ahhhh, just like we used to when we were in chapel).

I read THIS article which was written in jest (kind of), but I almost wholeheartedly agree.
It left me with a ‘FINALLY!  Finally, someone is saying it ‘out loud’ (or at least in larger arenas than over the orange caf trays where we used to sit and eat and make fun of people who grossed us out in chapel).

Here’s the article, in case that extra click is a bit more commitment than you’re willing to make.
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On Massage in Church

A few years ago, I was in the U.K. and a pastor there was explaining some of the cultural differences between British and American Christianity. The “church massage” was a key point. When his team of pastors first attended an American pastors conference and encountered the numerous couples stroking and patting each other during sermons, they were shocked. It read as much more than affection in their eyes and culture. Some were so distracted by this behavior that they had to leave the room.

I’m not British but I have to agree. I don’t view it as a precursor to anything (as they did), but I do find it highly distracting. Especially in winter when scalp massages send flakes a-flying. Blech. That’s why I am a supporter of the new movement, PAMIC. And I’m rallying the troops here after encountering this witty take on People Against Massage in Church on Prodigal Jon’s blog, Stuff Christians Like:

I admit, touch is not one of my “love languages.” Few things wake me up as fast as having my wife’s elbows and knees jabbing me in the middle of the night. Or what other people would call “snuggling.”

I therefore always thought I was the only one that didn’t like the “during church massage.” But on my blog, when I briefly mentioned a lady I’ve seen at church that rubs her husband’s neck during service, a number of people commented. Suddenly, I was awash with an ocean of hope. Although I have mentioned this issue before, this time I was filled with the sense that I am not alone. I am not that weird. Perhaps, I thought to myself, I can join an underground resistance dedicated to the elimination of the “during church massage.”

And the more I thought about that idea, the more I realized that every underground cause needs a manifesto. Some brief document that lays out our thoughts about the terror we so valiantly struggle against. I googled the name of the organization I wanted to join and didn’t get any good results. So I knew it had to be me. I had to make the first move in this battle. And thus this essay was born.

The People Against Massages In Church (PAMIC) Manifesto

1. The difference between a pat and a massage.
We recognize and respect the need to pat someone on the back. Sometimes, it’s good to say “Hi” or “Good job” or “Your chair is currently resting on my big toe” with a small tap on the back. We support that. But when you pat more than four times and then linger, you have now crossed into massage territory my friend. And you’re about to find yourself on the other end of a “PAMIC Attack.”

2. Circles are great for cheerios, not church.
We recognize and respect the need to lay a hand on someone as you say hello or want to show your spouse support during a prayer. But when you start rubbing in a circle, a square or any other geometrical shape, you are now giving a massage. That’s not a big deal right? Wrong. Your rotating hand is creating what we call a “circle of distraction.” People around you will not be able to focus on the sermon as they instead become hypnotized by watching you. God hates that. It’s in Numbers or Exodus I think.

3. There are consequences if you try to massage us.
The members of PAMIC are attractive and funny and Godly and often smell very nice. Please don’t get confused by those four things and think it’s OK to ever give us a back or neck rub during church. If you do, we can’t be held responsible if you suddenly find yourself in some sort of karate arm bar lock, a sleeper hold or at the bottom of a wicked leg drop.

4. Don’t confuse not loving in church massages with not loving life, Jesus, our spouses etc.
You will assume, based on our plans to rid all churches, in all countries of “during church massages,” that we are not loving people. That perhaps you are rubbing someone’s neck as an act of worship or praise or affection. And that members of PAMIC are not into any of those things. That is adorable. It’s possible we held hands with our spouses as we walked into church. We might give back rubs at home. We could be amazing “snugglers” but when it comes to touching folks at church, we follow the Bible. And there’s not a single example of someone in the Bible giving someone else a neck or back rub while Jesus taught. I dare you to find me a verse that show someone massaging someone else while they listened to the Sermon on the Mount for instance.

Is this extreme? Perhaps, but few great revolutions started quietly. We will not go peacefully. We will march and protest and launch thousands of PAMIC Attacks. (A PAMIC Attack by the way is when you squirt someone that is trying to start a during church massage with a squirt gun full of vinegar. Or what we call at our house, “sass juice.”)

Non-massagers of the world unite!

Enjoy your weekend and may you sit still in church. 😉
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credit: Radical Womanhood

PORN INDUSTRY SEEKS FEDERAL BAILOUT. REALLY?

Apparently, per Larry Flint, the American people can live without cars during this economic slump, but not without sex.  Huh.  (and he became the authority on Americans physiological ‘needs’, when?)
I can’t make this stuff up, people.
It’s been a while since a headline earned the ‘Ridiculous Headline’ category.
Read it for yourself.
When i read the article, over 350 people had commented.

KID NAMES

I have several friends who are ‘with child’ and inevitably this question is asked, ‘So, have you guys thought of names yet?’

As is the trend, people are keeping it a secret, but taking submissions.

Who knew that CakeWrecks would be the source of the most bizarre and UN-acceptable names I have EVER heard of for children?  But, humanity never ceases to amaze…  I wonder if any of my friends will consider these 2 names… You know how families have favorite movies?  I wonder if this family gathers round to cozy up with a blanket and the collector’s edition of American History X.

I haven’t been able to use the categories ‘creepy’ and ‘ridiculous headlines’ in a long time.  Thanx,  CakeWrecks!

BONUS THOUGHT
AND, I just thought of subbing for the classes that these kids are in and having to take roll by calling out their names!  Oh, MAN, I wish it could be!

OK, I WASN’T GOING TO SAY ANYTHING, BUUUT…

I had the thought myself as I watched the acceptance speech.  I shoved my thought deep into my private mental ‘SNL’ skit closet and scolded myself for not ‘taking this seriously’.  I was taking it seriously and I DID take it all seriously.  But I kept quiet about this ‘other’, maybe ‘not so serious’ thing.   I stayed quiet for 2 whole days!  🙂

I was reading this article today and wanted to yell out to everyone I knew ‘i KNOW, seriously, right?!’, but I did not do that.  Instead, I just quietly and, in solitude, enjoyed the moment by myself.  But, it was when I read the reader’s comment that said this, ‘My wife and I both thought Mrs. Obama’s dress looked like a black widow spider…’  that i just could not keep it to myself anymore.  

If you’re a regular reader, you know my love/hate relationship with the black widow spider.   And, you know that I watch Project Runway.    When I saw Mrs. Obama on stage for the 1st time on Tuesday night, all I could picture was Heidi Klum, Nina Garcia and Michael Kors with their little note cards sitting in their little director’s chairs: Heidi with the big eyes of shock, Michael Kors with that snarky smirk on his face and Nina Garcia looking unimpressed and disinterested.  Of course, Tim Gunn had already told the designer to ‘make it work’, but obviously the designer ‘didn’t care what the judges would think’. 
It made me laugh when the cast made their way into my fictitious SNL skit and ‘judged’ that dress.

I type this as I am about to slip into sweats that should’ve been thrown away 3 years ago and then I will do some work on my computer.  What I won’t be doing is having 50 million cameras on me as I am supporting my husband as he runs the most powerful nation in the world and I won’t be raising my children in the harsh and critical public eye (as evidenced by my own post)…so, who am I to talk about some dress?

But, it really did look like a black widow dress.  And I FULLY expect to see that dress in an SNL skit soon.

acceptance-speech-dress

IF YOU DO NOTHING ELSE TODAY…VIEW THIS

This is BY FAR the BEST thing I’ve seen in a long time.  CLICK HERE to read/watch it.  Give yourself enough time to read/watch it all (maaaybe 4 minutes total).  Horrifying, ridiculous, vexing…terribly vexing. 
Some days it’s just embarrasing to be part of the Western human race. 

MANY props to Lisa Martin for taking the time and making the effort…you’ve altered my day!

WHAT’S GOING ON?

Ok, readers.  I’m in a new phase.  For the last couple of months I have been DVRing and watching the show FRASIER.  I absolutely love it.  There’s so much about it that appeals to me (not the worldly philosophy stuff, of course…actually, I probably like it so much because of how much they make fun of the worldy philosophies), but that’s not my purpose for this post. 

Whilst watching this new beloved show, I usually fast forward as many commercials as possible (praise the LORD for DVR).  However, sometimes I just let it run as I work on the computer or whatever.  I’ve been flabbergasted and saddened about the relentless programming regarding psychics…they seem to be taking over the world as they run multiple ads during one half hour show.  Did you know there’s now a reality show called America’s Psychic Challenge.  Really? Really.  The lastest episode commercial is advertising a competition that requires the psychic contestants determining how a particular unknown victim was murdered.  Really?  That’s an elimination competition?  I mean it took me about 4 years to get on board with the innane Survivor challenges and now you want me to buy the value of a ‘psychic’ guessing murderers? 

Stop it.  

WHY DO PEOPLE DO THIS TO ANIMALS?

So, I was locking the front door of one of my listings.  When I turned around, I noticed a cat half-way down the stairs, all fluffy headed and fluffy tailed, crouched down and hissing at me…as if my mere existence was a looming threat.  I rolled my eyes, muttered some ‘I hate cats’ stuff  and continued to lock the door.  As I made my way down the stairs, the cat slinked down one stair at a time, still hissing…that’s when I saw why the cat might have been so upset…now, my camera phone could not capture the depth of the insidiousness of what it’s human caregivers did to it (click on it for a larger view), but here’s a pic that makes me wish Jerry, Elaine, Kramer, and George had been there…

SIck Trevino Cat